For me, my steps forward into healing began the day that I accepted I am a widow.

Lately, there has been a great restlessness upon me.

I love words.

I sit here this morning realizing that the journey to a better me must start with walking closer to the Lord, talking more with Him – which is not only pouring out my heart and soul in prayer (whether out loud, or in the written words of my journal times), but also in listening when He speaks.

There’s a thought that’s beginning to swirl in my heart/mind.

Earlier this week, I shared these words on Facebook, in a few of the widow support groups, too: 

The gut punches never will end. 

I do not have all the answers.

Me being me, I find myself waiting for permission.

Saturdays were always the days that Rick and I worked around the house, unless we were doing some kind of exploring or adventure.

Here I am, just as I am. 

Well, 24 more hours, plus 2.

Sitting here this Sunday morning, looking at the calendar. Knowing without looking, without counting - 2 more wake ups and it will be 9 years as a widow. The beginning of that 1st decade closing. 

I sit here this morning, looking at the date of the last blog post.

Well. Daylight is just about over.

People are different.

A guy that I went to high school with contacted me the other day.

I sit here on this cooler November 9th morning with a hundred tabs open in my heart, mind and memories. 

As I sit here this 2nd day of October 2023, there are at least a hundred thoughts swirling in my mind and in my heart.

There is an old story, perhaps you have heard it, or some version of it.It goes like this:

Going thru stuff with the mind set of letting go is not easy.

There are 3 kinds of people in my life

And what a month it has been so far! 

Sitting here a few minutes before going to an appointment later. 

I have always been a planner. An organizer. A list-maker. 

Sitting here with just a few more minutes before time to leave for work. 

I have been questioned, and criticized, often for all the times and ways I say "I love you" - or the reminders that "You are so very LOVED".

Widowed Warrior Class of 2015So many thoughts when I read these words.

After 8 years, few ask how I am doing as a widow. The consensus seems to be that it's been long enough, that I should let it all go and move on. That I should be over it by now.

Focus, Focus, Focus

I was raised to be afraid. Yet to be strong enough to keep on going regardless of the fear. 

I love words.Writing them.Reading them.Researching the meaning of them.

I think one of the most "surprising" (not in a good way) things about being a widow is that while it's perfectly acceptable and the "norm" for people to grieve and miss their parents, their siblings, children, friends, or other family members, who have died - we as widows/widowers are expected, sometimes even met with demands, to "get over it", "move on", "quit your crying".

Well, here it is.The last day of July 2023. The last hot day of July, 2023. And sadly, I do not feel much better than I did the last day of June 2023. Sigh. Almost like I am stuck in some kind of mud - not going deeper, but not getting closer to being out, either. Just here. Spinning my wheels. But not even having fun doing that! Just here. Breathing in.Breathing out. Surviving yes. But still, not really LIVING. Maybe there are some changes in me thru these days of July, and before.Not much “about” me or in my life, or so it seems. 

Grief has made me a liar.

Well, I've written a few times about different thoughts that swirl around in my heart and mind.

Coffee thoughts on a growingly hot Monday morning :

Sunday afternoon, 4 pm.

I just wrote the title to this blog - "Sometimes I am not sure"

These are my coffee thoughts this Wednesday morning: 

It's been too long since I wrote here. I have found myself struggling greatly with what to write. Not wanting to sound like I am whining, or complaining. Not sure how to put words to all my thoughts and emotions. So, just kinda holding all those close in my heart for now. As I process it all, I will be sharing some of them in later blogs. 

Father’s Day.

This song was released in February 1990.

Coffee Thoughts on a Saturday morning - 

Loneliness cannot be compared any more than comparing apples to oranges- they are both round, they are both fruits, they both contain Vitamin C, they can both be eaten, they can both be made into juice and drank. They can even weigh about the same. - one is not better than the other. Except to a personal preference and taste. - both are good for you, but if you live only on either, it will make you sick.

I am in many groups online, some thru Facebook, some are not. And I read a lot of complaints about “rules of the house” - and whether someone agrees with those rules or not. There have been some very adamant stands - on both sides of the fence. I haven’t gotten involved in any of the discussions - just holding my words.

We all need a moon in our lives.