After 8 years, few ask how I am doing as a widow. The consensus seems to be that it's been long enough, that I should let it all go and move on. That I should be over it by now.
The truth and reality - Wave upon wave of grief and overwhelming loss. Sometimes it seems that those waves are gentle, almost rocking me into a numbness and mindless wandering thru the days. Other times, those waves come out of nowhere and take my breath away, knocking me to the ground.
I so long to be that strong and confident widow...and when one of those cruel and unrelenting waves hit - well, let's just say, I realize very quickly just how weak and scared I have become in the last 8 years.
I wish this was a nightmare, because then I would at some point wake up and it would all be over. Reality bites in the ass, this is not a nightmare to wake up from. This is a nightmare to be lived, endured, and to find a way thru...
I take little steps forward every day, with many crawled and clawed. There is laughter at times. Many tears cried in the loneliness. A memory, a picture, song or TV show. A food, a smell, or a hundred other points of life. Takes me back to that moment of realization that I am no longer a wife. Rick would call them "gut punches". I am a widow.
Yes, I have changed. Being his widow instead of his wife has changed me. There is not one area, not one point of my life, that has not been touched - and changed.
I am thankful for each one who does care, who loves. And who asks.
I am both heartbroken because I am not alone on this grief walk and thankful for each one who walks with me on it.
Breathing in and Breathing out.