As I sit here this 2nd day of October 2023, there are at least a hundred thoughts swirling in my mind and in my heart.
Past, present and future.
When the weather is brewing up a storm there is a change in the air.
The clouds change colors, and intensity.
Often there is a static in the air.
As the storm gets closer, rumbles of thunder, and the smell of rain.
That's my life these days.
There are changes in the wind for me.
I am not sure where, nor even what.
I am certainly not sure when.
But I am definitely feeling the static in the air around me.
I am hearing a few rumbles of thunder in the voices that surround me.
I can smell the change.
Some moments those sounds and smells of change are strong and have me feeling like "today is the day!"
Other moments, well, I think all of this must be a figment of my imagination.
My questions become centered on what kind of change is this going to be?
A refreshing rain that brings relief from the heat of life?
A breeze that blows away the dust of stagnation?
Or a violent storm that leaves only destruction in its path?
*I know that my time here in this little house is changing. My contract lease has one more payment on it. The landlord has already talked about raising the rent - just hasn't told me to what. Which leaves me wondering if I will be able to afford it or not.
And his words have been about moving here himself. Sometime between December and July. Promising to give me 30-60 days to vacate.
I have been looking around for housing. For jobs. For jobs that come with housing. And so far, nothing has yielded a direction for me.
So, I breathe in and I breathe out. I take one day at a time. I think, pray and work towards going thru my "stuff & things" - deciding what to keep, what to let go of, and how to be ok with it all.
Winds of change.
*The end of September brought grief to my heart all over again. My niece, Debra, died suddenly. She was 10 months older than me. We grew up together - almost always with one another. Missing each other so much when we were apart. More like sisters and best friends, than aunt and niece.
I know we got cross ways with one another a time or two - but it never lasted long. We were too miserable without one another to allow little things driving & keeping us apart.
Life had gotten in the way.
Miles had come between us.
Raising kids and enjoying grandkids.
But whenever we were together, online, or in real life, it was almost as though no time had passed.
A thousand memories have flooded my soul and mind these last 2 weeks.
Debra, I will miss you for as long as I have breath within me. I loved you then, I love you still.
The realization that these pieces of my past are dissolving. Getting farther and farther from me.
Winds of change.
*I find myself thinking a LOT about "HOME".
When I was a kid growing up, living life with Daddy and Momma, I had 2 homes. The home I was raised in, out in the country, and the home in town that we moved to just a year or so before Rick and I got married.
All those years with Rick we moved so much! Rick was determined that no one, no thing - not a home, a job, a church, a people - would ever own him, or tie him to one location. Add to that, he was always in search of the better home, or job, a church or people who needed him more - and we moved. House to house. Town to town. State to state. Never putting down roots down for longer than a few weeks - a few months at a time. There was always a wind of change blowing in those years. And while I did not always agree with him, nor understand his wanderlust - I was his wife. Doing my best to live the way that supported him best and encouraged him most.
These years since Rick died, have become a vivid picture of just how lost I am. Without him. Alone. Every place I have lived in these years I moved there with the hope that this would be "HOME". That this would be where my roots went deep enough to grow a life for me. And every place has become that place of deferred hope. Which has led to a heartsickness time and time and time again.
So, now. With these winds of change blowing and swirling the dust of my life around me all over again - I do think about what "HOME" means to me. What I ache and long for it to be.
I know it's not a location.
It's not a building.
It's a place of peace, and inclusion.
A place where I belong to something, to someone, bigger than me.
It's where my life has a witness to the living of it.
Not sure that I will ever find it - but I know I can't give up.
For a moment, or for the rest of my life.
Winds of change.