Here I am, just as I am.
My past catching up to my present.
63 years old.
10th birthday without Rick.
Sitting here in a quiet and alone apartment.
Finishing my coffee as I write these words.
This is not the way I planned my life to be.
This is not the dream I dreamed.
But, this is the life I have been given.
A hard road.
A tall mountain.
A lonely valley.
Without Rick – my help, my sweetheart, the one who changed my life.
I have been told that I am strong – I think I am just stubborn.
Too stubborn to give up.
Even when I am exhausted and empty.
Too stubborn to quit.
Too Texan I guess.
Remember the Alamo! is forever in my soul.
I have more questions than answers, but I am tired of chasing those answers.
It’s time to just let them be.
If there are to be answers for me in this life, they will find me somewhere down the road.
Many words have been told to me – by those who have never walked this way of widowhood.
I find myself sorting through those words – keeping what applies, and casting away what doesn’t.
Praying a lot more these days – “Father, forgive them, they don’t know.”
My heart and spirit gravitate to those who are on this road, too.
Those who have been on it longer than me – I find myself looking for their footprints to guide and to lead me.
Those who are coming after me – I keep looking at my own footprints, wondering if they are clear, if they are leading true?
My heart is filled with gratitude – the little things mean the most these days.
A kind word.
A cold glass of drink on a hot day.
A hot cup of coffee in the morning.
A bird singing sweetly.
A light breeze blowing my hair.
The laughter of our kids and grandkids.
A good book, or movie.
A TV show that makes me laugh.
A sweet message from one.
A surprise phone call or message from another.
And a hundred or more little things.
The song of my life is different these days.
Oh, music is still a very real & integral part of my heart and life.
I feel the lyrics more deeply and strongly than I have ever before.
Those that make me smile.
Those that bring tears.
Those that make the memories more real than my mind ever could.
There are songs that play in the back of my mind on a loop – I hear them, sometimes individually, sometimes as a choir.
The writing burns deep within me these days.
It’s like I can’t write fast enough, long enough, deep enough.
There seems to be an urgency to getting words written – is it before I forget them?
Or is it because someone else needs them as much as I do?
Things that used to hold my attention and stir my soul – no longer do, or at least not as much, or in the way they did.
In some ways I am more tolerant, in other ways, well – less.
I care less about what others think, say or do.
I can’t change them – so why spend my time and energy trying?
People are going to think, say and do, what they will – regardless of what the truth is.
I just have to know my own heart and soul – and do my best, in each moment.
The older I get the more I realize that what others think matters so little.
I shake my head at all the time I have wasted in these 63 years worrying about what they think. LOL
These 10 years have taught me what I can live without, and what I can live with.
A lot of life lessons, and tests that I had no idea there were lessons to study and learn.
I think I am on Lesson #98756321452365478932145 – last count.
I know I am finding me – without Rick.
And that is both bitter, and sweet.
I miss our pictures together . . .
Life goes on . . .
. . . and the world doesn’t stop for my broken heart.
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