I don't understand . . .

I do not have all the answers.

Never have.

Never will.

No matter how hard I try to understand – there is so much about life and living that I don’t.

Realizing the older I grow, the less I do know and/or understand.

And that trying to understand is as frustrating and discouraging as trying to smell the color 9, or nail Jell-O to the wall!

I hear a lot of people say they either don’t believe in God, or don’t like Him.

Or they don’t believe He has as much care and control as He’s been said to have.

Or if He does, He’s a mean and vindicative God.

That He allows too much bad stuff to happen to be a good God.

I remember a story from many years ago.

A prominent family in the world of song came up against a brick wall with the health of one of their babies.

As the mom lay beside the baby, crying out in prayer to God for health and life – she told God that she would love Him, and praise Him, for the rest of her life if He would just touch and heal her precious little one.

She said there was a quietness that filled the room which seemed almost like she could touch.

And then, this question filled her mind, her heart and her soul. “And if I don’t heal this baby, you aren’t going to love me? You won’t ever praise me again?”

She said she laid there, listening to the raspy breath of her child, and in that moment realized that no matter what – she would still love God, she would still praise Him, she would still trust Him.

No matter what.

When that point of surrender in her heart was reached, she said the baby took a hard breath – and his fever broke, his breath became easy, and he was healed.

But that she knew, deep in her soul, that no matter what – God was still God, and He was still good.

I think about that story a lot these days.

Would I ever stop loving God? 

Would I ever stop praising Him? 

Even if I don't like what He chooses to do, or to allow? 

Even if . . . 

And I keep hearing the song that Kutless sang so many years ago, “Even If . . . “

That song came out just about the time that Rick and I were facing our hardest health battles.

He was diagnosed with acute kidney disease w/renal failure, and I was diagnosed with cancer.

The cancer threatened to take my life.

The kidney disease did take his.

After all the hours and years of prayers, crying out to GOD for healing – for help . . . when the healing didn’t come.

When the dreams slipped through fingers like sand.

When hope was deferred and the heart was sick.

But even if . . .

The story above, and the song that plays in the back ground of my heart and mind – 2 of the foundation stones that my life now is built upon.

I understand so little about life these days.

Why do good people have to hurt and suffer?

• Just this week, a child swept away by rushing water while riding his toy tractor. He was found, there were moments of intense prayer for his life, he took a breath, lived a few days, and then the parents had to make that decision to let him go. Why? Why did the healing not come?
• And just a few days ago, 2 young lives who were living as missionaries, telling others of a Hope and Promise, were brutally taken by gang violence. This week they were laid to rest with families and friends gathered and grieving. Why? What happened to the Hedge of Protection we are taught about?
• The violent storms of this spring season 2024. So many lives have been lost, and others changed forever. Why?

And then, there’s the little things of living day-to-day.

• The hot water heater that stops working, and what should be an easy fix ($100 or less) – turns into a week of frustration and aggravation, as well as many times the $100.
• The vehicle that works, but not good. Lights are on, alarms are sounding. But no one close to work on it. No one that seems to know.
• Housing that is temporary, and seems to ride on a breath – never knowing when that breath will change or just stop.
• The aches and pains of an ever growing older body.
• Money that is spent faster than it is made. Bills that scream. Pantry that is not filled. Shoes that are falling apart. Teeth that cause pain and sickness.

The lists go on, and on, and on.

There is not enough time to write the words – and not enough words to describe the heart aching, the soul in anguish.

People are hurting, grieving, lost and lonesome.

People are angry, bitter, either cowering in the corners, or lashing out.

So why believe in a God that we cannot see, or hear?

Why believe in a God Who doesn’t stop the pain of the world?

Or even the pain we suffer as individuals?

Have I, or you, as a parent, a grandparent, ever told a child or grandchild “no” or “not yet”?

Why?

Was it to be mean or spiteful to them?

Was it a bit selfish on your part – to teach obedience, or respect and honor?

Was it for their own good – because what they were wanting wasn’t good for them, even though it looked good to them?

When our son was just a wee one, we went to visit an elderly lady in the community.

She, like so many others of that day, kept a bowl of wax fruit on her table as decoration.

As we sat at the table that day, our son reached for an apple.

I told him “no”.

Time after time.

Finally, I let him hold the apple.

After looking so proud that he had it, he took a big bite of it!

The look on his face as his mouth tasted that wax!

I apologized to the lady for the bite out of her apple – she smiled and said,

“Honey, you have just taught him an important lesson of life. What looks good to our eyes, isn’t always good in our mouths!”

As I sit here with my coffee on this morning, watching the night become day with the rising of the sun – and I face the day’s tasks and obligations – I wonder about God.

How many times does He tell me “no”, or “not yet”, because He knows all I am wanting is the appearance of something good – when the reality is nothing more than wax fruit?

And yet, it still doesn’t answer the age old question of why good people must suffer.

I don’t know.

So much of what I read in the Bible seems to either contradict Itself, or at the least, contradict the human life.

“I know the plans I have made for you. Plans to prosper you. Plans for welfare and not for calamity. Plans to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah.

And yet, sitting here this morning – I don’t feel very “prospered”.

Spiritually, emotionally, mentally or physically.

Certainly not financially.

Not even in relationships.

I think about Rick dying.

And now being alone in this life.

Doesn’t feel much like “welfare, not calamity”.

Nor does it feel much like “a future and a hope”.

Still, my heart and soul cry out – LORD, when I am afraid, I trust in YOU . . . Psalm 56:3

Even if . . . GOD is still GOD, and HE is still good.

Just because I don’t understand – why should that change my life and living?

I don’t understand how electricity works – but I use it every day.

I don’t understand how a cell phone works – but guarantee, when that phone rings, I will answer. Or when I want to hear someone’s voice, I will call.

I don’t understand how a plane that weighs all those tons can fly in the air, or how a ship can sail the seas – but been on both, even not knowing the captain.

So much of life that I don’t know, that I don’t understand – but I use, I flip that switch, I make that call, I push that button, I trust that captain or doctor or agent.

Should I have less Faith in GOD than I do in people and objects?

I believe . . . even if I don’t understand.