Coffee Thoughts on a grey morning

Published on 5 June 2023 at 11:08

There are people in our lives who are “toxic” for one reason or another.
No judgment or criticism from me on those that you choose to cut out of your life, for whatever reason there is - that’s your heart, mind and soul’s decision.

Sometimes, there is a real Truth to the “toxicity” and there is a solid foundation for separating yourself from that person, or that situation.
I’m not writing about the abusive relationships here.

However, there are many that we have labeled “toxic” who are not.
Perhaps one is to you, but not to another.

Which in my own life has made me wonder some heavy questions.
- Why is this one “toxic” to me, and yet so well thought of by others? Is it this one person? Do they have others fooled, manipulated? Or is the problem actually me?

The situation and circumstances may be “toxic” - but the people themselves, they are not.
And often, pride, ego, selfishness - these are the real “toxic” issues.
Not the people.
Not even the situations.

Families, churches, friends, co-workers - all relationships have been touched by “toxicity”.
What we do, how we respond, and whether it is truly a “toxic” person, situation, or circumstance - or not.
That's my thoughts this cloudy morning.

I have seen relationships destroyed by nothing more than words.
I have been on the giving end of “toxicity” - although I have never intended to be “toxic” to anyone, at any time, in any situation or circumstance.
As well as being much on the receiving end - where this person, or that situation/circumstance, cannot be resolved no matter how hard I work at it.

Death has claimed many, leaving me filled with more sorrow and regret than I can bear.
Years after their death my soul is still in anguish over words misspoken, words misunderstood.

“Toxic” has become such a by-word these days.
Words are spewed out in moments of anger and frustration.
Time goes by without talking more calmly and rationally.
Pride gets in the way, no one wants to be that first person to step forward and say anything about it all.
One person decides to back away and give the other one time to cool off and think things thru.
Perhaps was even asked to, or told to.

But then - Life happens.

Time slips like sands thru the fingers.

Injured hearts and emotions, and the mind, all come into play.
We decide that if they don’t want to be a part of my life, then they don’t deserve to be.
But wait - they were doing what we asked them to - - back off, give me space and time, respect my boundaries.
And now, because they did not push forward - - it’s time to call them “toxic” and cut them out of our lives.

Too many memories are being lost.
Too much time is being wasted.
Death touches us all.
No more time for memories.
No more time.

What if those we love the most, those closest to our hearts, were to cut us out of their lives - how would we feel?
How do others who hold us close to their hearts feel when we do the same?
And how do those caught in the middle feel when this happens?
Over words.
Over misunderstandings.
Over pride.

Time marches on - and the world doesn’t stop for my broken, yet beating, heart.

There is one in my past that I think about as I re-read my words this morning.

A dear family member.

I look at these old pictures and remember him. I see my love and adoration for him in my eyes. To me, he was 10 feet tall and bullet proof.  He walked on water.

Until years later, and words of misunderstandings came between us.

He became angry against me. I tried hard to apologize, to reconcile the relationship. But he was having none of it. All I could do was step away, with respect to him.

I felt then that I was right in the situation, and still feel that rightness. However, who was right and who was wrong - means NOTHING now.

Death came and took him from me - with all this still unresolved between us.

It's been just shy of 20 years since he left.

My heart still cries out.


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