I don’t think you have to be a widow to have thoughts and emotions of epic proportions
I don’t think you have to be a widow to have those moments of meltdowns
Where all the walls of your life seem to come crashing down at once – with a seemingly innocent phone call, but one that causes all kinds of sirens and lights to blare in the darkness.
For the walls to come crashing down is hard enough, but when you feel like you have finally fought your way out of the hole of muck and mire, and are standing on solid ground?
Then to get knocked down – just with realizations.
I don’t think you have to be a widow, or even a woman, to have these times.
But when you are a woman, a widow, alone – sometimes it takes a little extra work to breathe again.
It happened to me.
Well, it’s happened more than once to me.
But it happened again.
A phone call.
A pleasant and enjoyable conversation.
And those gut punch realizations that seem to hit from every angle.
Then, the conversation is done.
Phones are laid aside.
The thoughts and emotions are not.
I still sit here now and wonder what in the world I am doing.
Why am I here?
Miserable and alone?
My life is such a mess
Or at least that is how it feels to me.
A big stinking mess.
And while I may see in the mist a better way of life
- I don’t know how to get there from where i am
- even little by little, moment by moment.
My life has been turned upside down & inside out
- and where has that gotten me?
Hours upon hours in silence
With only sitcoms and movies for company and noise
All those old thoughts and emotions
And the tears that I thought were completely cried out
Here they are again.
Guess they really are my old friends.
My place was beside Rick.
He was my person, he was my life.
And trying to find a way to make it thru without him -
I keep falling flat on my face.
Just when I start feeling like I can catch a breath - maybe
- bam! Another gut punch.
So many words
- in real life, online, on chats, over the phone, face to face
Words that lead to hopings
Hopings that lead to nowhere but deferments
Deferments that lead to broken hearts and wounded spirits.
Right now I am feeling horribly unwanted
Terribly neglected and abandoned
All of these thoughts and emotions are screaming at me
Rattling around in my head and in my heart
I’m playing both sides against myself, and against one another
Offering the defenses as well as the accusations
My head hurts.
My mind hurts.
I need something more.
More than this.
I don’t know what I need God
I don’t know what the answer is
But I know that I need something.
It’s almost like I am standing - or trying to stand - on something so slick
- and I’ve never been able to stand and walk well on ice!
It’s almost like I can feel myself falling, and I’m struggling in thin air to catch myself
- but there is nothing there to hold on to
I’m losing my grip
I’m losing my stand.
I cry out to YOU
Do not leave me
I need something.
God, YOU know all things
So at least answer me this -
Is there something more? For me?
Is there something more for me?
God to be honest?
And I really don’t mean to complain or whine -
I am tired of this
These fightings within
These fears that plague me
God, I know without a doubt or question that YOU have always been good to me
Maybe I don’t have any right to ask YOU for something more
Maybe I don’t have any reason to ask YOU to answer me anything
Here I am
Just as I am
God, I don’t want to do any knee jerk reactions here
I don’t want to panic
And I don’t want to give up either.
But NO ONE is going to swoop in here and help me, rescue me.
Whatever is done - God, it’s up to YOU, and it’s up to me.
I am going to have to do what I know to do
- do my best, leaving it all on the field
Pray that it is Blessed by YOU
And let Jesus take care of the rest.
One moment at a time.
God, I cannot do this without YOU