Meltdowns still happen

Published on 25 May 2023 at 08:21

I don’t think you have to be a widow to have thoughts and emotions of epic proportions

I don’t think you have to be a widow to have those moments of meltdowns

Where all the walls of your life seem to come crashing down at once – with a seemingly innocent phone call, but one that causes all kinds of sirens and lights to blare in the darkness.

For the walls to come crashing down is hard enough, but when you feel like you have finally fought your way out of the hole of muck and mire, and are standing on solid ground?

Then to get knocked down – just with realizations.



I don’t think you have to be a widow, or even a woman, to have these times.

But when you are a woman, a widow, alone – sometimes it takes a little extra work to breathe again.


It happened to me.

Well, it’s happened more than once to me.

But it happened again.


A phone call.

A pleasant and enjoyable conversation.

And those gut punch realizations that seem to hit from every angle.

Then, the conversation is done.

Phones are laid aside.

The thoughts and emotions are not.


I still sit here now and wonder what in the world I am doing.

Why am I here?

Miserable and alone?


For what?


My life is such a mess

Or at least that is how it feels to me.

A mess.

A big stinking mess.

And while I may see in the mist a better way of life

- I don’t know how to get there from where i am

- even little by little, moment by moment.


My life has been turned upside down & inside out

- and where has that gotten me?

Hours upon hours in silence

With only sitcoms and movies for company and noise


All those old thoughts and emotions

And the tears that I thought were completely cried out

Here they are again.

Guess they really are my old friends.


My place was beside Rick.

He was my person, he was my life.

And trying to find a way to make it thru without him -

I keep falling flat on my face.

Just when I start feeling like I can catch a breath - maybe

- bam! Another gut punch.


So many words

- in real life, online, on chats, over the phone, face to face


Words that lead to hopings

Hopings that lead to nowhere but deferments

Deferments that lead to broken hearts and wounded spirits.


Right now I am feeling horribly unwanted

Terribly neglected and abandoned

Cast aside

Left alone.


All of these thoughts and emotions are screaming at me

Rattling around in my head and in my heart

I’m playing both sides against myself, and against one another

Offering the defenses as well as the accusations


My head hurts.

My mind hurts.

The tears.

O God.

The tears.


God, please

I need something more.

More than this.

I don’t know what I need God

I don’t know what the answer is

But I know that I need something.



It’s almost like I am standing - or trying to stand - on something so slick

- and I’ve never been able to stand and walk well on ice!

It’s almost like I can feel myself falling, and I’m struggling in thin air to catch myself

- but there is nothing there to hold on to

I’m losing my grip

I’m losing my stand.


Please God

I cry out to YOU

Please God

Hold me

Please God

Do not leave me

Please God

I need something.


God, YOU know all things

So at least answer me this -

Is there something more? For me?

Is there something more for me?


God to be honest?

And I really don’t mean to complain or whine -

I am tired of this

These thoughts

These emotions

These fightings within

These fears that plague me


God, I know without a doubt or question that YOU have always been good to me

Maybe I don’t have any right to ask YOU for something more

Maybe I don’t have any reason to ask YOU to answer me anything

But God

Here I am

Just as I am



God, I don’t want to do any knee jerk reactions here

I don’t want to panic

And I don’t want to give up either.

But NO ONE is going to swoop in here and help me, rescue me.

Whatever is done - God, it’s up to YOU, and it’s up to me.

I am going to have to do what I know to do

- do my best, leaving it all on the field

Pray that it is Blessed by YOU

And let Jesus take care of the rest.


One moment at a time.

Just Breathe.


God, I cannot do this without YOU


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