I Wish You Knew

Published on 21 May 2023 at 09:54

I wish you knew....

I wish you knew that when I went through my darkest days of grief, it was difficult, even unbearable at times to be around people, even those I love with all my heart.
Seeing everyone's life stay the same while mine had fallen apart was more than I could handle.
I know you love me, so that didn't make sense to you, but it's impossible to explain to those who haven't lived it.
I wish you knew how much I love talking about him.
It doesn't remind me of my grief, my loss - it doesn't take your words to do that.
All these years later, it makes me smile to hear you tell stories and remind me how he impacted your life.
Saying his name is one of the most comforting things you can do for me.
I wish you knew how horrifically lonely it has all been and continues to be.
In fact, lonely does not even start to explain the way it feels.
In a room full of people who love you - you feel completely alone without your person.
Alone and Empty.
I wish you knew I was not strong and inspiring and brave...just a survivor.
Your words of encouragement have been a strength to me, inspiring me to simply breathe and hang on one more day.
I need that still.
I wish you knew how traumatic it all has been.
From the first moment and every heart beat since, it's more than most humans should be asked to live with. How, more times than I can tell, I have literally and physically forced myself to Just Breathe.
I wish you knew how powerful shock is on the human body.
It makes you feel completely detached and inhuman while looking and sounding well composed and amazingly put together.
Well, at least that's what it did to me....we all handle shock differently.
I wish you knew how badly I will always hurt for our kids & our grandkids.
They miss him, but in a different way than I do.
It never goes away; it's a forever part of who I am.
I wish you knew that you being there the first few weeks was great, but I didn't start to NEED you till later on when everyone left going back to their normal life.
I needed you six months down the road, a year, two years, and now 8 years.
Grief is often harder when the shock wears off, and the real pain sets in.
There is no timeline for that pain.
I wish you knew how life altering it all has been.
I wish you knew that people aren't replaceable and new love, new relationships, and new chapters don't mean we've forgotten or stopped loving them.
What's new is new, and it's amazing and beautiful and provides new stories and life but has nothing to do with the pain of loss.
And how that pain can blindside me with a word, a song, a smell, or just a memory that takes me back.
I wish you knew. 
No - I don't. 
I don't want anyone to know. 
What I wish you knew? 
1. Let all the pettiness, and pride, go. Live before you know what I am talking about. 
2. Don't waste your life with making a living. Make your life worth living. Time is way too short. 
That is what I wish you knew . . . 


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