Psalm 56:3

When I Am Afraid . . . Psalm 56:3

Many years ago, Rick found a “sign” for me

– it was printed on a sheet of copy paper – 8 ½” x 11”.

A black and white drawing of a frazzled buzzard, with these words underneath:

 “51% Sweetheart, 49% Bitch. Don’t push it!”

I put it on the frig, and kept it there for years, until the page became yellow, dried, and frazzled itself.

We often laughed about it, and many times realized the truth of it

– how easy it was for that “button” to get pushed either way.

I worked hard to stay on the side of Sweetheart, but more than I like to admit, I crossed over.

Years later, in 2012, I was diagnosed with cancer.

It was not a good prognosis.

A very dear friend called me one morning and asked,

“I know this is a stupid question, but how are you?”

My answer was –

“No question is stupid. Thank you for caring. And as to how I am? Scared. So very scared.”

I went on to remind her of my sign with the buzzard.

“Remember how it said, “51% Sweetheart & 49% Bitch, don’t push it”?

Well, I am 51% trusting God with all my heart & 49% scared to death!

And that button is so easily pushed with just the lightest touch these days!”

She asked me, “But don’t you feel guilty for being so afraid?

As a Christian we are told so often to not be afraid.”

During that cancer time, and when I became a widow, many people told me not to be afraid.

And reminded me how it has been said that 365 times in the Bible the words are: “do not fear, do not be afraid, fear not”.

Some of those many people told me just how wrong and sinful I was to be afraid.

I struggled all those years and times with being afraid, with the guilt over being afraid, without knowing how to NOT be afraid.

My humanity outweighing my desire to not be afraid, to trust in the Lord.

And then, there came a storm.

About 7 years after becoming a widow.

Now, anyone who knows me, knows just how terrified I am of storms!

Always have been!

Rick knew, and he understood

– he was my “witness”.

On this particular night, I was living in a very small guesthouse that was part of work

– 2 rooms and the tiniest closet I had ever seen!

When the storm came with such intensity, and the tornado sirens began to sound,

I grabbed my Bible and my Graizie (my stuffed cow that Rick bought me many years before)

– squeezed into the closet and cried out “JESUS HELP ME!”

I knew I was screaming, but the sound of the hail and wind was so loud I could not hear my own voice.

I was so afraid

– NO, I was terrified!

Then.

In that tiny closet, with me holding my Bible and Graizie,

squeezing myself as small as I could possibly be into the back of the closet,

behind my clothes

– there was quiet.

Not quiet from the storm that raged outside.

But a quiet within my soul and mind.

I knew in that moment that God was with me, and that no matter what happened, it was ok.

I would be ok.

A few minutes later, the winds calmed, and the hail stopped.

I waited in the tiny closet.

Just breathing.

Finally, I moved the clothes, and stepped out into the room

– fully expecting the roof to be gone, the walls caved in.

But no damage was seen

– inside the guesthouse, nor even outside the next morning with daylight.

I sat down at my desk in those wee hours of the dark, surprisingly not shaking

– and I opened my Bible.

I looked down at where it opened, Psalm 56:3.

“When I am afraid, I will trust in the Lord.”

WHEN.

The only time the word “WHEN” was used with the word “afraid”.

It was like a light bulb went on in the darkness of my mind –

It doesn’t say “IF I am afraid.”

It says, “WHEN.”

GOD knew I was afraid, and He understood my fear.

He gave me a way out

– to trust in HIM, when I was afraid.

Since that time, I have been afraid again.

Sometimes a little.

Sometimes greatly.

And often, Daily,

Moment by moment,

Afraid.

Scared to death!

But never again have I struggled with the fear, the guilt, the fighting to not be afraid.

Because, GOD knows,

GOD understands.

GOD accepts me

– just as I am, afraid.

And somehow, knowing He understands

– loosens the tightness in my chest each time fear rises.

Psalm 56:3

Thank You, God . . .

for knowing my humanity,

and for understanding.

For making a way for me even in the midst of fear.