As a Christian, what makes the fear and anxiety so much worse for me was how ashamed I would be of being scared.
I had read all the Bible verses that talk about fear and anxiety
– memorizing most of them.
And the ones about having a “sound mind”.
I had heard the counseling, teaching, preaching, about “Do not fear”, “Be not afraid” . . .
and how wrong it was to let anxiety and fear have my heart and mind as a Christian.
How many times had I prayed over something, or someone
– giving it to God?
But still afraid, still anxious.
That must mean I failed.
The confessions and the tears of being “so sorry I can’t let this go”.
Why can’t you get it together?
What kind of Christian says she trusts God and then worries like this?
So yeah, the shame was as heavy, sometimes heavier, than the actual fear and anxiety.
And then, there came the storm.
The tornado warning, the sirens going off, me crowded into the smallest corner of the smallest closet
– holding my Bible, my phone with the radar, Graizie (my cow from Rick) . . .
and screaming “Help me JESUS!”
The storm raged – one of the longest hailstorms I can ever remember.
The thunder crashed.
The lightning was right outside the door.
Suddenly, there was peace and calmness.
Not outside, but within my little space in the closet.
And I knew that no matter what was happening, or what would happen, I was going to be ok
– in life, or in death.
Finally, the storm went on.
I cautiously opened the closet door, and peeked out.
Fully expecting to see nothing but devastation and destruction.
Nothing was out of place.
I looked outside, everything looked like it had before the storm.
I sat at my desk, softly laid my Bible on the desk spine first.
The Bible fell open to Psalm 56.
The first thing I saw when I looked at the pages
– Psalm 56:3.
“When I am afraid, I will trust in the Lord.”
That one 4-letter word was 10 feet tall and flashing neon!
WHEN.
In that moment, I realized that God understood ME.
He knew I was afraid.
He knew I was anxious.
He didn’t judge me.
He didn’t criticize me.
He didn’t give me a 15 point lesson or sermon on “not being afraid”.
He didn’t tell me I had to grow up as a Christian and move beyond the fear and anxiety.
He accepted me
– just as I was, afraid, anxious.
And He graciously gave me a way out . . .
Trust in the Lord.
He didn’t tell me to get rid of my anxiety and fear first.
He didn’t send me off to sit in a corner and think about how wrong I was for being afraid or anxious.
Just a simple 4-letter word.
WHEN.
I sat there with a great many tears.
Tears of relief and gladness.
Tears of being accepted just as I was.
Then I began to do a deeper search in my Bible.
Finding out that it was the only time the word “when” was used with being afraid or anxious
– in my Bible, the English Standard Version.
But there it was –
Tucked away in the middle portion of the Bible.
Understanding.
Comforting.
WHEN.
That little 4-letter word made room for the scared and very human version of me.
Trust is not always a calm mind, a heart of peace and quiet.
Sometimes Trust is simply what I do next
– after the fear and anxiety grip me in their holds.
Sometimes I bring it all to Jesus with a brave prayer.
Sometimes, it’s more of a “Jesus, my mind and heart are doing this fight again!”
If you love Jesus, but your mind still gets scared, your heart faints a beat, and your breath barely comes
– it’s ok.
You are not a bad Christian.
You are not disappointing God.
You are a human, with a heart and a soul that is learning where to go when fear and anxiety get loud.
Every time you turn to God, even shaking and weak
– you are trusting Him.
Being scared does not mean you love Him less.
Being scared means you need your Father!
You don’t have to be brave and strong.
You don’t have to make yourself sound faithful.
Just tell Him the truth.
He already knows 😉
And you are so very LOVED . . .
just as you are.
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