Stuck

LORD GOD . . .

I sit here this morning thinking about YOU . . . and me.

And about my life – past, present and future.

There is a growing silence within me – and about me.

As well as an aching to talk, to share. To converse. To be, and have, a friend.

I miss depth. Oh how I miss depth.

Depth without judgment or criticism – for not thinking about, feeling towards, or looking at, things & life the same.

Depth while being allowed to be me, to have my own opinions, thoughts, feelings, dreams, hopes, and yes, fears & worries.

Depth with respect to our individuality.

I’ve never been in a boat that needed to be rowed.

But I have seen pictures, TV shows, movies – where each one had an oar, and as long as they each did their part of rowing, working together - - the boat made progress.

If they began to criticize, or take the oar from someone else, or work in the opposite direction from the others – the boat either stopped, made circles, or certainly did not make good forward progress.

How many times do we criticize?

Without full knowledge and understanding of the other one.

How many times do we take the oar from someone else, and work so hard to do their job as well as our own?

How many times do we work in opposition from those around us – whether in homes, businesses, communities, friends, or churches?

Yes, we are called to teach, and to lead.

We are to share our hopes and dreams, our fears and worries.

We are to bear one another’s burdens and help as we can.

We are called to live at peace with one another, as much as it depends on each of us.

We are to stand firm in our convictions – which often means we are in opposition to those around us.

But there is that fine line that is so easily manipulated and crossed.

Lately, I am taking a hard and deep look into my soul, my heart, and my mind.

My life is enough – often more than enough – for me.

I struggle to live it well.

To make that forward progress.

More often than not, I feel stuck, or going in circles.

Is it because I am being critical of others?

Is it because I am working too hard at trying to live someone else’s life?

Telling them what they should do.

Is it because I am too much in opposition to the direction my life is going?

What are my passions?

My problems?

How many of those passions, or problems, can I handle to solve on my own?

When I cannot do this alone, who do I turn to?

And how do I ask?

Life and living as a widow is not for the faint of heart 😉

Answers that will be made clearer as time goes on.

This is the depth of conversation that I miss so much.

Am I alone in all of this?

Sigh.

Here I am. Just as I am.

LORD GOD . . . I want so much to DO better, and to BE better.

Why do I feel so STUCK?

I feel stuck on the scales – up a couple, down a couple. But no real difference.

Same with the other parts of me and my life – up a couple, down a couple.

No real difference.

I have thoughts and ideas, hopes and dreams.

I write a lot – praying, crying out.

I have fears and worries.

But there is this stuck-ness!

How do I get un-stuck?

Spiritually. Emotionally and Mentally. Physically. Financially.

How do I get un-stuck?

So I can begin to see some measurable differences?

How do I break away from these bad habits?

And form gooder ones?

When I have no real time, event, or goal set to reach.

When I have no support or encouragement.

When I have no one to share this journey with.

GOD . . . this is more than me. alone. on my own.

I don’t want something to pressure me into all of this.

I want to do it because I CAN, not because I HAVE TO.

Make sense?

How do I move from I CAN, to I WILL?

And then to follow through – to where I can then actually look back and see how far I have come?

I have a long list of excuses, and some reasons – what can I change?

What can I not change?

What can I work around, and work with?

If I put myself fully, completely, into it - not holding one breath back.

If I leave it all on the field.

Will that be the difference that I can see and know? 

Rick has been gone pushing 11 years now.

I never thought I would make it 1 year, sure not 11.

And yet, here I am.

What have I accomplished in these days, weeks, months, and years?

What am I waiting on?

GOD . . . help me.

Please.

In JESUS’ NAME I cry out . . .