What society (meaning family, friends, schools, companies, churches, counselors, therapists) teaches and preaches about grief and being a widow – either with words, or with silence – hurts my soul.
There are hundreds upon hundreds of books, articles, websites, podcasts, groups, pages, and more – in our world that deals with grief and being a widow.
Written and said by those who are professionals, and by those who are not.
There are so FEW that talk and teach the TRUTH.
Or at least that I have found, read, and heard.
Sigh.
I am so thankful for the few that I have read and heard who do speak and talk the TRUTH!
If you read, or listen, to one that deals with handling grief as a parent, a grandparent, a child, a sibling, a friend – the ones I have read & listened to are pretty much, spot on.
They talk about giving yourself time and space, about extending grace to yourself and to others who are grieving.
They talk about accepting that grief is that final act of love – and that grief is basically love with no place to go.
They talk about learning to live with the loss and grief rather than fighting it, rather than pushing it away.
Reminding us over and over – to “either you deal with loss and grief, or it will find you and deal with you!”
BUT.
Then, the reading and listening about this world of loss of grief as a widow.
Sigh.
Why do the same principles not apply to us?
Why must we “get over it”?
Why must we “move on”?
Why should we “just find something else to do” or “someone else to spend your life with”?
Why are we told that all the firsts happen in those 12 months after death – and after that we can take a deep breath of relief?
And yes – these words of advice and counsel come out of the writings and words of grief counselors and therapists more than not!
If those who have lost parents, children, grandchildren, siblings and friends, would apply the loss & grief principles that they read about, listen to, and learn to live – to the loss & grief of a widow/widower?
Yeah, there would be more understanding and compassion!
I am now 64 years old.
I was never blessed to know my grandparents – they all died before I was born.
I have buried both my parents, a brother and 2 sisters.
I have said that final good-bye to over 200 family members and friends – in the last 20 years.
One at a time – accident, disease, choice.
Being well-acquainted with loss and grief on every level –
I can honestly say that nothing, absolutely NOTHING, prepared me for losing Rick.
Not one death I endured, survived, and learned to continue life afterwards, compares to the loss, the grief, and the forward life of living –
as a widow to Rick.
One would think that this road as widow, being so widely and heavily travelled (there are on average 800,000 widows/widowers each YEAR in America alone) – that there would be lifelines thrown out to us.
Real words of support and encouragement.
Guiding hands to help us find our way through the darkness and loneliness.
Except for a few here and there, mostly what we find on our own, one would be wrong in thinking this.
There is a reason that widows and widowers tend to gravitate towards one another.
And why more often we put on a false front for those who are not widows or widowers.
Why we answer “I’m ok” when asked how we are doing.
Why we go about our lives as though nothing has changed, when in reality – nothing has stayed the same.
For the most part, we are an understanding community of Loss & Grief.
In these 10 years as a widow, I have found a deeper understanding of loss and grief – my empathy and compassion have both grown and gotten tighter with less tolerance for added drama or bullshit.
For all losses, all types of grief.
One reason being that so much less compassion has been shown to me than what I was prepared to receive.
I have become both more patient, and less tolerant.
I have become silent, and yet more vocal with intensity and direction for my words.
I have become a different woman.
Intimate loss and intense grief does that.
My soul hurts for our children and grandchildren.
It’s almost as if they lost both when Rick died – Daddy and Momma, P-Paw and Grannee.
To hear my child and grandchild tell me now that I have changed so much – it cuts my soul.
Yet, I know it to be the truth.
There has to be an acceptance on my part, and on theirs, that in so many ways – they did lose us both.
But, with me still here – only without him.
This is a whole different type of loss and grief that NO ONE talks about, NO ONE helps to prepare you for, NO ONE guides you through.
I have had to learn me and my life alone, they have had to learn me and my life as well.
It’s been a hard road – and we aren’t done today.
There are more “if-only” moments for a widow or widower than I can write or talk about – but the one heaviest on my heart and soul this morning –
“If only” someone took the time,
had the heart,
to at least try and understand,
to reach out in love and acceptance,
to give a little strength and a lot more Grace.
Sigh.
The weight of loss and grief that each widow/widower carries is exhausting –
sometimes, we just need someone who cares with acceptance and without judgment.
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