A friend with skin on

Sometimes – well, more than not – the missing of a friend overwhelms me.

Someone either/or about my age, and with some of the same life experiences.

Someone who cares.

Someone to chat with online, and/or on the phone.

Perhaps even someone to get together with – go places, do things.

Or just sit and watch a sunrise over coffee, a sunset with a cold drink.

Someone to laugh with.

Someone to discuss things with – hopes and dreams, thoughts and ideas, plans and intentions. Worries, fears, cares.

I miss someone.

In my life, and me in theirs.

A friend, with skin on. 

I have kids & grandkids – but they also have one another, as well as others in their lives.

I think about people I have known through the years – many with Rick, some before, some after.

Some of us still connect online – some no longer.

Life and choices have pushed us apart.

Even those who said that they “would always be here for me”.

Eh, it happens.

All I can do is be a little sad, shrug my shoulders, take a deep breath – and go on.

Alone.

Seems always, alone.

You know, I always knew that if Rick died first, I would miss him, that I would just about go crazy with missing him – but I never knew a person could be so lonely.

This lonely.

I never knew loneliness could – or would – go so deep into a mind, a heart, a soul, a life.

That loneliness could - or would - occupy so much time in emotions, and thoughts. 

Being alone in itself isn’t always a bad thing.

Through the years of being married, I got pretty good at being alone – well, can’t say “good”, but I did alone while Rick worked.

Yet, he was always coming home – that was his heart, his mind, his life.

He was coming home.

From the moment he left – he was working towards coming home.

These 10 years without him I have been waiting on him to come home.

He’s not coming home this time. 

It's been over 3500 days since he came home to me. 

It’s not the being alone that haunts and torments me.

It is the loneliness.

The emptiness.

The overwhelming quiet and stillness.

That if I don’t move – there is no movement.

If I don’t breathe – no one does.

If I don’t eat – there are no dishes to wash.

If I don’t go – no one goes or comes back.

And if I do go - there is no one to miss me.

If I don’t – it’s not done.

And that even if I do all these things, and more - I am still alone. 

Yes, I know –

The Lord is always with me, so I am not “truly” alone.

But.

Sometimes, well –

I need someone with skin on.

Eyes to look into.

A voice to hear.

Arms to hug me.

A body I can hug back.

Spiritually, I am probably at a better place than I have ever been in my life.

Mentally & emotionally, sigh. 

It comes and it goes. 

Good days and bad moments.

Physically, I am working on that one 😉

There are moments, and sometimes days, that seem to bring the loneliness screaming from the corners of my life.

Memories can be very noisy, just saying.

Tears fight strongly – but so do I.

The thoughts of a widow on an early morning. 

Through the years . . .
Love & Laughter
Life.