I am a woman.
Still.
Even as a widow.
And yes, I miss so much!
I miss the physical/sexual side of our marriage – the looks & little touches that would so often lead to more.
As 2 people hopelessly, shamelessly, in love with one another – and yet raising 2 littles, having jobs, making a home, friends and family always around - - we had a game that we called “Building Blocks”.
Where we would sneak a kiss, a touch, a special hug, through the day – no matter where we were, what we were doing, or who we were with.
Sometimes it was a quiet look with that secret twinkle and wink.
We would leave the letters “BB” for one another to find.
But then, when the day was done, kids were in bed, family & friends were gone to their own places, jobs were done, house was quiet - - it was our time.
And those “Building Blocks” (BB) all added into the joy and intensity of our love.
I miss that so much!
How many times have I thought about those “BB’s” – and how this or that would be a perfect place to leave a message!
Then a gut punch in realizing all over again – he’s gone.
He will never see my “BB’s” again, he will never leave me another one.
We will never have those stolen kisses, or quick hugs, or the thousand other things that I miss so much!
And yet.
That woman in me misses MORE.
The MORE that Rick knew, that he understood, that he gave to me.
Where he touched and challenged my mind.
Where he stirred my heart and soul.
With conversations that had nothing to do with the physical/sexual side of our life and love.
With questions and discussions that made me think, look deeper than the pile of dirty laundry, the sink filled with dishes, or the trash of stinky diapers.
Where we talked about everything, anything, and nothing.
Where no subject was off limits.
Where each of us could rant and rave – knowing there was no judgment or condemnation waiting with the other one for the way we thought or felt about something.
With laughter.
Oh, the laughter!
Stupid dad jokes.
Puns upon puns.
Searching books and papers for interesting stories that we shared with one another just to make each other laugh.
TV shows and movies that made us laugh until our sides ached and the tears rolled down our cheeks.
With the stillness of sitting in a porch swing on a starry night, or around a campfire with a cup of cowboy coffee in hand.
The quietness of sitting side by side on the couch, not even touching, after a busy day.
I miss my heart being stirred, my soul being touched.
I miss my mind being challenged.
I miss my body being loved – not just wanted, not just lusted for.
I miss the whole package of what was LOVE.
These days, or so it has proven too true in my widow’s life – guys are interested in ONE thing.
Sex.
Yes, I understand that men are sexual creatures – and that women are more emotional creatures.
Men SEE and women FEEL.
BUT.
It’s so difficult for me to understand –
These guys that I am speaking about are 60 years old and older.
Not hormone-raged teenagers.
Yes, I get it – as widows and widowers we all miss the physical & sexual side of relationships.
BUT.
Sex ain’t all there is!
There is so much MORE that goes into sex!
Perhaps not for all - but at least for me.
I do not know how to take the mind, heart and soul, out of sex – so that it just physical.
I do not know how.
I cannot do it.
I have gone on 3 dates since Rick died in 2015.
All 3 of those dates happened in the first 3 years after Rick died.
All 3 of those dates ended in absolute, complete, DISASTER.
DISASTER.
DISASTER.
DISASTER.
To put it crudely – they were all 3 looking for a hole.
And they thought they had found one with me.
They thought they had found an easy mark.
I was a new widow, vulnerable, shaken, scared - so very afraid.
I felt betrayed by life, and abandoned by Rick.
Yes, it was flattering to be “wined and dined”.
It was flattering to have attention paid to me – when my whole being was feeling abandoned.
BUT.
There is such an emptiness & loneliness when there is no soul connection.
When I am crying out, literally begging, to have my mind challenged, my heart stirred, and my soul refreshed – and all “he” was focused on was how far could he get.
Sadly, I even find it to be that way with 99.99% of chats via social media, and even the rare phone call.
Which is why I do not do the dating apps.
I do not have the time, nor patience, to wade through all the 99.99%.
Therefore, I have learned, or still am learnING, to be alone – and to be more comfortable with being alone.
I do remember those who fall into that .01% in these years since Rick died.
Not just potential "dates" - but PEOPLE who actually CARED.
Who have treated me like a real human being – with thoughts, ideas, hopes and dreams.
Like someone who had fears and insecurities.
Like someone who had opinions that mattered.
Who did not, do not, judge or condemn me.
Those that have had hours upon hours of deep conversations – via Facebook chat, and on the phone.
There have not been many, but I do treasure these close to my heart and soul.
One we always intended to meet in person.
But cancer invaded his body, and he won his final battle – Charles, I miss you so much!
I have often been accused of being “a prude” – because I refuse to sext, or to send boobie pics.
I didn’t do those things with my husband of 35 years!
Not going to do that now.
I have been told to “spread my legs and get some” while I can – that it would help with the grieving.
This from members of family, and even friends.
I try to give them the allowance that they just don’t know.
But the hurt goes deep.
Yes, “widow’s fire” is a REAL THING!
No, it’s not easy to deal with – it’s one of the most difficult.
There isn’t a lot of good advice or counsel out there – nor is it something that is widely talked about, even in the grief support groups.
Cold showers and a nap seems to help me the most.
Or a long walk – where I punch the air a few times and stomp my foot along the way.
Sigh.
I’ve said it many times – and will continue to say it, to live it - -
Unless a man can touch my mind, heart and soul – he ain’t getting close to this body!
And yes, I am old enough, wise enough, to see through the games they play.
The pretending.
I’m a widow, I am NOT stupid.
I know full well my faults and flaws.
I also know full well what I would be bringing to the table of even a simple friendship, or relationship – platonic, or more.
If I must “settle”, I will settle alone.
Not going to settle with someone else for less than I deserve.
LORD . . . guess that is my blog for today. lol
Only YOU know the depth of missing for my mind, heart and soul.
As well as for my body.
Only YOU know the tears that fell while I wrote those words.
Only YOU know the anguish that cries out even now.
LORD . . . please – HELP me just breathe.
I miss SO much!
There are silent screams in me - O GOD . . . only YOU can hear them.
Only YOU know the weight and intensity of them.
LORD . . . please - hold me loudly today.
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