How does it feel now?

Rick died over 10 years ago.

I have been asked if I feel like it was a long time ago, or if it feels like it just happened.

I have been asked if I am happy now, if I have forgotten it all.

Or at least moved on from the grief.

They ask, “How does it feel?”

My answer?

The same.

There are moments that my mind and heart say it never happened.

He’s still off on the truck, working, just out of cell service reach.

There are moments that feel like a different lifetime that it all happened.

Been a lot of life and living in these years since.

There are moments that I must sternly convince myself that it did not just happen.

Time may change a lot of things – but time changes NOTHING about grief.

There is no magical cure for grief.

Grief is relentless, more stubborn than I ever thought about being.

Grief haunts and torments.

And grief also comes quietly, like an old familiar companion.

Grief is forever – plus one day.

If anything, time has made that moment when Rick took his final breath even more clear – this movie that loops around in my mind and heart doesn’t have so many clouds of mist these days.

The memories of the years we spent living, laughing and loving, have become clearer too. The good, the bad, the indifferent. And those indifferent days – when life was “normal” are some of the most precious memories!

Grief is part of me. Being Rick’s widow - It’s who I am, it’s what I do.

But the pain has lessened to some extent. It’s not as sharp, not as poking, not as much filled with fear.

Grief is the scar on my mind, my heart and deep in my soul.

Every beat of my heart reminds me that Rick’s heart stopped.

No, Time does not heal grief.

Time works to heal the pain.

Like so many before, and after, me – I have loved, and lost.

I will carry this grief always.

But love covers the pain.

I was loved, that makes me happy.

I lost that love, that makes me a widow.

I have endured that loss, that makes me a survivor, a warrior.

I am so very blessed to have been loved by one who has made the grief of him missing from my life something that time cannot, will not, heal.

Grief is a very personal entity.

It lives, it breathes, it begins life when death takes the one you love.

And no matter how hard we fight against it, Grief WILL have its way with us.

I was highly favored to be chosen as Rick’s wife.

He loved me.

I am honored to bear this grief as his widow.

I still love him.