I've been more quiet lately.
Silence has become more of an ever-present companion.
Within me.
And I have found myself craving a silence around me, online and in real life.
But there is so much noise!
Discussions and arguments about data centers, solar farms, politics, religion, even health - what’s right or wrong for everyone.
Very little listening going on by anyone.
Everyone clamors with noise upon noise to be heard, to be validated, to be built up as the only truth.
With little to no tolerance or allowance for someone thinking, feeling, believing, differently.
I have been going through some things with my own body (and it continues), as well as dealing with people and situations in my life, my little world – with me struggling more than I like to admit.
And struggling more than anyone knows.
The problem with being 10+ years into this widow life - is not that time heals (it doesn't, just for the record), it is that people stop asking how I am.
I think some simply do not care.
I think some don’t think about asking.
Because, you know, the old adage is "time heals all wounds", and "after all this time, it shouldn't hurt as much, you should be moving on - unless you are wallowing".
Neither statement is true - but that is the general consensus of people and our society.
We all get wrapped up in our own lives, and in/with the lives of those that touch ours the closest, so we tend to forget others who are struggling.
I do it.
I have done it – more before becoming a widow, but even since.
It is not easy to write those words in admission.
I want to be better than I’ve been, doing more to help, to support, to encourage.
I want to think more clearly, realizing with more depth – that there is a lot of hurting, suffering, miserableness, struggles, going on beyond the end of my nose, beyond the walls of my life.
The last few weeks, more like months, have been an increasing struggle - to the point that I debated long and hard about just closing all my social media accounts, including this website.
Still posting my good morning coffee posts on my FB page but little else. An occasional meme to perhaps helps someone smile.
Never truly forgetting that others have heavy lives too - but being so swamped in my own.
Still writing in my personal journal, but only for my eyes and God’s ears.
And that has been about it.
Life has been HEAVY.
With the holidays just breaths away - life is heavier this year than it has been in a long while.
Not being a "bah-humbug" or a "Scrooge" - but I am just breathing.
As it was said to me about the weather –
“There is nothing I can do to stop it, or change it – it is what it is, it will be what it will be. Doesn’t mean I have to like it, just tolerate it. It will change again.”
I have learned to go through the motions, without a lot of feelings - for most things I do lately.
Whether online or in the house, or away from the house.
From doing laundry or fixing meals to any shopping.
Everything seems easier, a little less heavy, if I don’t think.
Thinking leads to memories.
Memories lead to wishing for now, for my tomorrows.
Wishing has me hoping.
Hope deferred makes the heart sick.
What a vicious cycle!
So, yeah, just the motions.
It at least gets things done, without a lot from me mentally or emotionally.
This whole year seems to have taken more from me - spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically and financially - than any year has since Rick has been gone.
Perhaps that is just my perspective in this morning as I sit here writing this.
But then, as Rick would say, “Our perspective is our reality. It is when we change our perspectives that our reality also begins to change.”
Do you know how hard it is to admit that he was right all those times?
Please, do not tell him 😉 LOL
Yes, it's been 10+ years since Rick died.
10 years of me doing life alone.
10 years of missing him.
10 years.
And this morning, I just breathe.
It's all I can do.
It's what I must do.
Life goes on.
And as Reba sang years ago, “The world doesn’t stop for my broken heart.”
I read this a while back - and while it made sense then, it makes MORE sense today:
"I will be okay. I will get through this. I will endure and survive. But I just need a little time to get okay."
Life has mountaintops and valleys.
Seems even more so, and with greater intensity, as a widow.
I hope whatever you are going through, which seems to be more difficult and trying if you too are a widow/widower - I hope you know that you truly are NOT alone.
As bittersweet as that is - YOU are not alone.
I have often said that it is bitter to know there are others who are dealing with loss, grief and all that comes with being a widow.
And yet, there is a sweetness in knowing I am not alone in these struggles.
(Course, then there is the major guilt attack for feeling any sweetness at all!)
I love you.
I am borrowing this meme - it says SO much.
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